Campbell’s Soup Company Sees Stock Futures Jump On Reports Of Possible Rekindling Of A Trump-Sponsored Civil War.
By David Todd McCarty | Wednesday, September 2, 2020
Part of a new series of satirical articles written purely for entertainment purposes.
While many Trump supporters are reportedly stocking up on unlicensed firearms and continue to hoard ammunition, America’s Marxist’s are stockpiling a different brand of American exceptionalism, cases and cases of canned soup.
What some are calling the Consommé Calvary, the Broth Brigades, and even the Potage Platoons, America’s protest class have turned from using traditional rocks and Molotov cocktails to express their dissent, to canned chowders, stews and soups.
“Most people think you want a really hearty stew, because of the density,” explains one protestor who insisted on remaining anonymous for fear of retaliation from the Secret Police riding around in minivans, which the government claim doesn’t exist, but whom the President keeps praising. “The reality is, water is really freaking heavy, so it doesn’t actually matter. In fact, what you are really looking for is the cheapest soup you can find, so you’re not spending your resources on animal proteins. Plus I’m a vegan and don’t believe in the murder of animals. People are fine. They have it coming.”
“Some of the protestors are really particular about their choice of soup,” explains Josh Guillion, one of the more vocal organizers the so-called Stew Crew. “They are looking for something organic, something that has been responsibly sourced and which is environmentally sustainable. There is a lot of research into the environmental impact. Me, I’m just looking for sheer heft.”
“If I’m trying to bean a militiaman, literally with a can of beans, what do I care if they are vegetarian or cooked in bacon fat,” said another protestor who asked that we refer to him only as Starlord. “Actually a lot of people have been using this as an opportunity to get rid of all their old Goya products.”
“It’s actually a nice side-benefit,” says Guillion, “since the Trumpers love Goya products now, after you clock a guy, they typically pick the can up and put it in their gas mask bags for later. Those cans really hold up.”
“Yeah, so like, in reality, everyone is recycling, which is nice to see,” said Starlord.
While sales of Goya food products have leveled off and even started to fall after all the Trump supporters bought cases of beans they weren’t going to eat, soup sales are up.
“I used to get all my soup at Trader Joe’s” explains one protestor wearing a gas mask and Washington Redskins football helmet. “But the cost was killing me. I got all these at one of those new Dollar General’s down in the hood. They look like absolute, GMO-laden, chemically-processed garbage. You should see the salt content on them—it’s off the charts. But I did check all the expiration dates, and all these soups are all technically safe to eat. Safety first.”
Bob Jackson, a spokesman for Campbell’s, headquartered in Camden, NJ said, “While we don’t condone violence of any kind, we are happy that people are recognizing the many benefits that our soups and stews have, especially in these troubled times, where comfort food plays a big part in getting people through the day. We’d actually prefer that you opened a can and shared a bowl with your neighbor, rather than chucking it at someone’s skull, but if you have to toss a can, make it a broth—our profit margins are really good on salty water.”