White House Criticizes Bob Woodward For Taking President Seriously

With the release of his latest book “Rage,” an in-depth look at President Trump’s first term, many White House staffers are at a loss on how to spin actual recordings of their own incompetence.

Nowhere Near Normal News | Wednesday, September 9, 2020

The White House is in a frenzy as senior staffers are reportedly furious that journalist Bob Woodward would report on the recordings he made after the world-famous journalist, best known for bringing down the only US President to resign from office in disgrace, was apparently given free rein to walk freely about the West Wing and interview everyone who worked there.

“You can’t expect to anyone to get anything done if they’re going to report on everything you do and say,” complained one senior staffer. “No one in the building is qualified to be here. You can’t expect us to get much of anything right the first time.”

Woodward, a journalist for the Washington Post in the 1970’s, along with reporter Carl Bernstein, broke the story covering what became the Watergate scandal, which ultimately ended the Presidency of Richard Nixon in disgrace. 

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post.

“I thought he was going to write some funny anecdotes about how stupid the President is,” admitted one White House staffer. “I mean he says some pretty crazy shit. I just figured it would be more like a Dave Barry book.”

“It’s brutal,” ex-Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney was reported as saying. “He didn’t just take him seriously, he quoted him accurately. And there’s tape! It’s brutal, just f*cking brutal.”

“When they said to take him seriously, but not literally, I thought they were talking about the fact that he doesn’t know how to read,” said one high-ranking Republican Senator. “But no one here knows how to read. That’s what we have interns for.”

In fact, many Republican Congressmen claimed they had not read the book yet, as the audiobook had been delayed for some reason.

“I’ve got some nerd from Georgetown coming over this evening to read me the parts that I’m in,” explained one senior staffer. “I just hope he speaks English.”

Part of a new series of satirical articles intended to be taken seriously, but not literally. Follow David Todd McCarty on Twitter @davidtmccarty and The Standard @capemaystandard

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