A Walking Hard-On

A Walking Hard-On

We hate everything, are easily bored, quick to distraction, have more brawn than brains, believe we already know everything, sulk if we don’t get our way, and we want to fuck everyone. Let’s face it, we’re the world’s teenagers.

By David Todd McCarty | Thursday, September 17, 2020

We are in a real political maelstrom, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the late 1960’s. The world itself, seems ready to come apart at the seams, but it’s America that really has everyone worried. Putting political affiliation aside for a moment, because Americans are much more alike than maybe even want to admit, we need to take a moment to reflect on our present situation. As the rest of the world looks on in horror, Americans are stomping around the house, slamming doors and shouting at our parents that we hate their music.

If you think about it, America is the world’s disaffected teenagers. We hate everything. We are easily bored and quick to distraction. We have more power than we know what to do with, but no understanding on how to wield it effectively. We think we’re the smartest person in the room and believe everyone else is stupid. We claim to be first in all things, ignoring people who are already there, and sulk when we don’t get our way. We claim chastity while simultaneously trying to fuck anything that moves. Face it, we’re the world’s teenagers, whose absentee parents have long since given up, Trump is the bad seed who has spent the last three years as a Junior, unable to graduate but unwilling to move on, and Canada is the nervous neighbor afraid we’re going to get everyone in trouble and drag them down with us.

It explains a lot about the American Identity that we aren’t even mature enough to recognize our own mortality. We haven’t been around long enough to understand that everything dies. We are so consumed with our own immortality that we actually believe the ride will never end. Older, wiser countries look at our pubescent euphoria with a mix of awe and pity, confident that we won’t heed their warnings—intent on learning our lessons the hard way. There is also more than a hint of nostalgia and romance for exuberance of youth at work on their part. We are an all too familiar reminder of when they too were young and dumb and believed they might conquer the world. Britain. France. Spain. Italy. Holland. Portugal. Ahh, the effervescence of adolescence. Such sweet surrender. The good old days.

For the past 250 years we’ve been tear-assing around the globe in a souped up roadster, roughing up the nerds, making fun of the locals’ funny hats, creating far too much noise, abusing the elders, tearing up lawns, getting drunk and puking in the flower beds, and leaving behind our garbage for someone else to clean up.

So as we stand here for a moment trying to catch our breath and looking around with a bit of slightly amused shock at the destruction in our path, we might want to think about finally moving out of our parent’s basement, and taking our place in the family business. Become a contributing member of society. Maybe raise a family. Sure it was fun, but we have forgotten whole decades, knocked up a few countries, and there are more than a few outstanding warrants we’re going to have to deal with before it’s all said and done. Playtime is over.

It’s time for America to grow up.

Follow David Todd McCarty on Twitter @davidtmccarty and The Standard @capemaystandard

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