fbpx
  • Latest
  • Trending

Arguing With Idiots

4 months ago
The Return of the Regulators

The Return of the Regulators

3 weeks ago
The Power Of The People

The Power Of The People

4 weeks ago
Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

1 month ago
Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

1 month ago
Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

1 month ago
A Bridge Too Far

A Bridge Too Far

1 month ago
Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

1 month ago
New Jersey Organizations Demand Strong Response To Insurrectionists

New Jersey Organizations Demand
Strong Response To Insurrectionists

2 months ago
We Need Amy Kennedy Now

An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

2 months ago
“This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

“This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

2 months ago
Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

2 months ago
Donald Trump Must Be Held To Account For His Crimes

Donald Trump Must Be Held
To Account For His Crimes

2 months ago
  • About
  • Privacy
  • Donate
  • Contact
  • Login
  • Register
The Standard
  • Home
    • All
    • Business
    • Culture
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Health
    • Housing
    • Immigration
    • Justice
    • Letters
    • Media
    • Military
    • National
    • Opinion
    • Politics
    • Satire
    • Sports
    • Uncategorized
    • World
    The Return of the Regulators

    The Return of the Regulators

    The Power Of The People

    The Power Of The People

    Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

    Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

    Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

    Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

    Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

    Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

    A Bridge Too Far

    A Bridge Too Far

    Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

    Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

    New Jersey Organizations Demand Strong Response To Insurrectionists

    New Jersey Organizations Demand
    Strong Response To Insurrectionists

    We Need Amy Kennedy Now

    An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

    Trending Tags

    • Politics
      The Return of the Regulators

      The Return of the Regulators

      The Power Of The People

      The Power Of The People

      Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

      Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

      Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

      Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

      Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

      Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

      A Bridge Too Far

      A Bridge Too Far

      New Jersey Organizations Demand Strong Response To Insurrectionists

      New Jersey Organizations Demand
      Strong Response To Insurrectionists

      We Need Amy Kennedy Now

      An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

      Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

      Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

      Donald Trump Must Be Held To Account For His Crimes

      Donald Trump Must Be Held
      To Account For His Crimes

      Trending Tags

      • politics
    • Justice
      Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

      Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

      “This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

      “This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

      Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

      Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

      Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

      Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

      Non-Violence Isn’t A Just Moral Imperative, It’s A Superior Strategy

      Non-Violence Isn’t A Just Moral Imperative, It’s A Superior Strategy

      The Future Of The Supreme Court

      The Future Of The Supreme Court

      Why We Fight (Part One): The Uphill Battle

      The Fight To Decide Whose Life Matters

      Legalize It

      Legalize It

      A Rational Response To Perpetual Atrocity Is Rage

      A Rational Response To Perpetual Atrocity Is Rage

      Community Concerns Fall On Deaf Ears

      Community Concerns Fall On Deaf Ears

      Trending Tags

      • Justice
    • Culture
      The Power Of The People

      The Power Of The People

      Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

      Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

      Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

      Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

      The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

      The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

      Why We Can’t Talk About It

      Why We Can’t Talk About It

      Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

      Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

      Why We Can’t Be Friends

      Why We Can’t Be Friends

      Arguing With Idiots

      The Weight Of Empathy

      The Problem With White Men

      The Problem With White Men

      Trending Tags

      • Satire

        Arguing With Idiots

        White House Criticizes Bob Woodward For Taking President Seriously

        Senator Rand Paul Subpoenas Tooth Fairy

        Senator Rand Paul Subpoenas Tooth Fairy

        Mmm Mmm Good

        Trending Tags

        • Education
          Gold, Lies, And Genocide In The New World

          Gold, Lies, And Genocide In The New World

          Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

          Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

          The Covid Kids Are Alright

          The Covid Kids Are Alright

          The Problem With The Pledge Of Allegiance

          The Problem With The Pledge Of Allegiance

          A Boat Full Of Holes

          A Boat Full Of Holes

          Why I Don’t Worry About My Kids Falling Behind

          Why I Don’t Worry About My Kids Falling Behind

          Any Plan To Reopen Schools This Fall Is Irresponsible And Negligent

          Any Plan To Reopen Schools This Fall Is Irresponsible And Negligent

          An Acceptable Loss

          An Acceptable Loss

          Educating Children During Quarantine

          Educating Children During Quarantine

          Thinking Outside The Curriculum

          Thinking Outside The Curriculum

          Trending Tags

          • Education
        • Housing
          Let the Voters Decide

          Cape May’s Untouchables

          The Cost Of Homelessness in Cape May County

          The Cost Of Homelessness in Cape May County

          Who Cares For Cape May County’s Unwanted?

          Who Cares For Cape May County’s Unwanted?

          The Myth Of American Justice: Falling Through The Cracks Part Two

          Falling Through The Cracks: Part One

          Falling Through The Cracks: Part One

          Criminalizing Homelessness

          Criminalizing Homelessness

          We Are The Branches

          We Are The Branches

          Code Blue At The Beach

          Code Blue At The Beach

          In Small-Town America, the Public Housing Crisis Nobody’s Talking About

          In Small-Town America, the Public Housing Crisis Nobody’s Talking About

        • Health
          It’s Going To Get Worse

          It’s Going To Get Worse

          Trump’s October Surprise

          Trump’s October Surprise

          Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

          Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

          A Boat Full Of Holes

          A Boat Full Of Holes

          The Value Of Living This Life

          The Value Of Living This Life

          America’s Battle Fatigue

          America’s Battle Fatigue

          Gov Murphy Announces New Stricter Measures Concerning Social Distancing in New Jersey

          Gov Murphy Announces New Stricter Measures Concerning Social Distancing in New Jersey

          Victoria Manor Coronavirus Outbreak Reports First Fatality

          Victoria Manor Coronavirus Outbreak Reports First Fatality

          The Perils Of Living In Trump Country During A Pandemic

          The Perils Of Living In Trump Country During A Pandemic

          Cape May County Announces Drive-Thru COVID-19 Testing Site for Cape May County Residents

          Cape May County Announces Drive-Thru COVID-19 Testing Site for Cape May County Residents

          Trending Tags

          • Healthcare
        • Opinion
          We Need Amy Kennedy Now

          An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

          Donald Trump Must Be Held To Account For His Crimes

          Donald Trump Must Be Held
          To Account For His Crimes

          All Our Sons

          All Our Sons

          It’s Not Enough For Joe Biden To Simply Be Human

          It’s Not Enough For Joe Biden
          To Simply Be Human

          We Have To Stop Trusting Our Leaders To Do The Right Thing

          We Have To Stop Trusting Our Leaders To Do The Right Thing

          The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

          The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

          Why We Can’t Talk About It

          Why We Can’t Talk About It

          Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

          Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

          Why We Can’t Be Friends

          Why We Can’t Be Friends

          Something To Believe In: A Roadmap To Relevance

          Something To Believe In: A Roadmap To Relevance

          Trending Tags

          No Result
          View All Result
          • Home
            • All
            • Business
            • Culture
            • Education
            • Environment
            • Health
            • Housing
            • Immigration
            • Justice
            • Letters
            • Media
            • Military
            • National
            • Opinion
            • Politics
            • Satire
            • Sports
            • Uncategorized
            • World
            The Return of the Regulators

            The Return of the Regulators

            The Power Of The People

            The Power Of The People

            Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

            Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

            Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

            Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

            Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

            Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

            A Bridge Too Far

            A Bridge Too Far

            Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

            Objective Journalism Does Not Entail Telling Both Sides

            New Jersey Organizations Demand Strong Response To Insurrectionists

            New Jersey Organizations Demand
            Strong Response To Insurrectionists

            We Need Amy Kennedy Now

            An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

            Trending Tags

            • Politics
              The Return of the Regulators

              The Return of the Regulators

              The Power Of The People

              The Power Of The People

              Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

              Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

              Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

              Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

              Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

              Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

              A Bridge Too Far

              A Bridge Too Far

              New Jersey Organizations Demand Strong Response To Insurrectionists

              New Jersey Organizations Demand
              Strong Response To Insurrectionists

              We Need Amy Kennedy Now

              An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

              Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

              Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

              Donald Trump Must Be Held To Account For His Crimes

              Donald Trump Must Be Held
              To Account For His Crimes

              Trending Tags

              • politics
            • Justice
              Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

              Who Are The Oath Keepers And What Are They Doing In New Jersey?

              “This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

              “This Political Climate Got My Brother Killed”: Officer Brian Sicknick Died Defending the Capitol. His Family Waits for Answers.

              Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

              Florida Man Who Went Viral For Stealing Podium Identified

              Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

              Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

              Non-Violence Isn’t A Just Moral Imperative, It’s A Superior Strategy

              Non-Violence Isn’t A Just Moral Imperative, It’s A Superior Strategy

              The Future Of The Supreme Court

              The Future Of The Supreme Court

              Why We Fight (Part One): The Uphill Battle

              The Fight To Decide Whose Life Matters

              Legalize It

              Legalize It

              A Rational Response To Perpetual Atrocity Is Rage

              A Rational Response To Perpetual Atrocity Is Rage

              Community Concerns Fall On Deaf Ears

              Community Concerns Fall On Deaf Ears

              Trending Tags

              • Justice
            • Culture
              The Power Of The People

              The Power Of The People

              Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

              Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

              Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

              Restoring Pride In The Stars And Stripes

              The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

              The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

              Why We Can’t Talk About It

              Why We Can’t Talk About It

              Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

              Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

              Why We Can’t Be Friends

              Why We Can’t Be Friends

              Arguing With Idiots

              The Weight Of Empathy

              The Problem With White Men

              The Problem With White Men

              Trending Tags

              • Satire

                Arguing With Idiots

                White House Criticizes Bob Woodward For Taking President Seriously

                Senator Rand Paul Subpoenas Tooth Fairy

                Senator Rand Paul Subpoenas Tooth Fairy

                Mmm Mmm Good

                Trending Tags

                • Education
                  Gold, Lies, And Genocide In The New World

                  Gold, Lies, And Genocide In The New World

                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  The Covid Kids Are Alright

                  The Covid Kids Are Alright

                  The Problem With The Pledge Of Allegiance

                  The Problem With The Pledge Of Allegiance

                  A Boat Full Of Holes

                  A Boat Full Of Holes

                  Why I Don’t Worry About My Kids Falling Behind

                  Why I Don’t Worry About My Kids Falling Behind

                  Any Plan To Reopen Schools This Fall Is Irresponsible And Negligent

                  Any Plan To Reopen Schools This Fall Is Irresponsible And Negligent

                  An Acceptable Loss

                  An Acceptable Loss

                  Educating Children During Quarantine

                  Educating Children During Quarantine

                  Thinking Outside The Curriculum

                  Thinking Outside The Curriculum

                  Trending Tags

                  • Education
                • Housing
                  Let the Voters Decide

                  Cape May’s Untouchables

                  The Cost Of Homelessness in Cape May County

                  The Cost Of Homelessness in Cape May County

                  Who Cares For Cape May County’s Unwanted?

                  Who Cares For Cape May County’s Unwanted?

                  The Myth Of American Justice: Falling Through The Cracks Part Two

                  Falling Through The Cracks: Part One

                  Falling Through The Cracks: Part One

                  Criminalizing Homelessness

                  Criminalizing Homelessness

                  We Are The Branches

                  We Are The Branches

                  Code Blue At The Beach

                  Code Blue At The Beach

                  In Small-Town America, the Public Housing Crisis Nobody’s Talking About

                  In Small-Town America, the Public Housing Crisis Nobody’s Talking About

                • Health
                  It’s Going To Get Worse

                  It’s Going To Get Worse

                  Trump’s October Surprise

                  Trump’s October Surprise

                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  A Boat Full Of Holes

                  A Boat Full Of Holes

                  The Value Of Living This Life

                  The Value Of Living This Life

                  America’s Battle Fatigue

                  America’s Battle Fatigue

                  Gov Murphy Announces New Stricter Measures Concerning Social Distancing in New Jersey

                  Gov Murphy Announces New Stricter Measures Concerning Social Distancing in New Jersey

                  Victoria Manor Coronavirus Outbreak Reports First Fatality

                  Victoria Manor Coronavirus Outbreak Reports First Fatality

                  The Perils Of Living In Trump Country During A Pandemic

                  The Perils Of Living In Trump Country During A Pandemic

                  Cape May County Announces Drive-Thru COVID-19 Testing Site for Cape May County Residents

                  Cape May County Announces Drive-Thru COVID-19 Testing Site for Cape May County Residents

                  Trending Tags

                  • Healthcare
                • Opinion
                  We Need Amy Kennedy Now

                  An Open Letter To Congressman Van Drew

                  Donald Trump Must Be Held To Account For His Crimes

                  Donald Trump Must Be Held
                  To Account For His Crimes

                  All Our Sons

                  All Our Sons

                  It’s Not Enough For Joe Biden To Simply Be Human

                  It’s Not Enough For Joe Biden
                  To Simply Be Human

                  We Have To Stop Trusting Our Leaders To Do The Right Thing

                  We Have To Stop Trusting Our Leaders To Do The Right Thing

                  The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

                  The Godless Piety Of American Idealism As Reality Television

                  Why We Can’t Talk About It

                  Why We Can’t Talk About It

                  Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

                  Defund The Police Was A Raging Success And Everyone Missed It

                  Why We Can’t Be Friends

                  Why We Can’t Be Friends

                  Something To Believe In: A Roadmap To Relevance

                  Something To Believe In: A Roadmap To Relevance

                  Trending Tags

                  • About
                  • Privacy
                  • Donate
                  • Contact
                  No Result
                  View All Result
                  The Standard
                  No Result
                  View All Result
                  Home Culture

                  Arguing With Idiots

                  byDavid Todd McCarty
                  4 months ago
                  inCulture, Satire
                  Reading Time: 10min read
                  277
                  0

                  Photo by Judith Prins on Unsplash

                  233
                  SHARES
                  328
                  VIEWS
                  Share on FacebookShare on TwitterEmail this story!

                  When it comes to conversing with the feeble-minded—those simpletons who choose to live in an alternate universe of invented facts and magical thinking—we now require a new modus operandi.

                  By David Todd McCarty | Friday, October 30, 2020

                  We find ourselves in largely uncharted territory heading into the silly season, where up is down and down is up, so it’s important that we find something to hold onto lest we drift into the abyss. In addition to dealing with the always precarious mix of tryptophan, alcohol, fat soaked bread, pumpkin custard and wayward family members, there is always the high probability that you will at some point be cornered by one or more idiots and asked to engage in civil conversation which is almost guaranteed to drive you insane. You are going to need a new strategy.

                  There is no point in employing logic when arguing with someone who makes up their own facts, so if we are ever going to engage with conservatives, cousins or carnies ever again, we will need a better game plan. In partnership with several renowned think tanks and prestigious scholars, I have been working on a new strategy for the past few months that I think could be instrumental in bridging the cultural divide and allowing polite conversation (if not exactly a free exchange of ideas), back into civil society once more.

                  My research involved a deep exploration of nonlinear thinking, hostage negotiation tactics borrowed from the FBI, game theory, improvisational method acting, mythical narrative, cognitive dissonance and the smell of fear.

                  I’m going you walk you through the process we developed, and hopefully with a little practice, you will be able to effectively shut down just about any conversation without having to resort to arguing complex public policy questions with someone who thinks the government is collecting their feces for unspecified analysis and controlling the weather with satellites.

                  The beauty of this method of interaction is that you don’t need to follow the logic of the moron you’re talking to and neither will you be required to convince anyone of anything. It’s a win-win scenario where everyone comes away enjoying the experience, which is precisely where we’ve been falling short these many years.

                  There are a variety of techniques we will be employing so let me take you through them one by one so that you can familiarize yourself with the process. We will begin with the premise that having a conversation with a known conspiracy theorist, Republican or any other officially-recognized idiot cluster, is that you’re basically in a hostage situation where you are forced to acts as both the hostage and the hostage negotiator simultaneously. This is not ideal typically, but in our case, it works out just fine. 

                  The Mirror Effect 

                  In a hostage situation, a good hostage negotiator has to develop a level of trust with the perpetrator in order to establish an open line of communication. Mirroring is a technique used by hostage negotiators to establish that trust and encourage people to open up. 

                  The technique amounts to nothing more than repeating the last several words or phrase that they’ve just said. If you also frame it as a question, they will keep talking. You can do this a few times in a row and they will tell you more than you want to know, but in the meantime, they will also come to believe that you are listening to them in addition to finding what they have to say to be of great value, which of course is clearly not true.

                  If done correctly, they will come away from your exchange not necessary believing that you agree with them, but with the understanding that you never actually disagreed with them either. You will be able to maintain your familial relationship without having to cede any ground intellectually.

                  When it’s your turn to speak, you will begin by expressing that they have made some interesting points without agreeing with any of them, and then immediately change the subject. But of course we’re just getting started. If it was that easy, you’d have gotten out of these painful conversations years ago.

                  The Wiley Post

                  When arguing with an idiot, it’s important to never engage with their inaugural premise. This is like the third rail of imbecilic confabulation. Touch it and you’re toast.

                  What you will want to do here is to immediately pivot from their original point of contention to a tangential subject of your own choosing. This is precisely what you should be thinking about while they’re taking. Since you’re not going to respond to their argument anyway, you will find yourself unburdened by the effort to follow their warped logic and can instead concentrate on your follow up.

                  Your subject of choice doesn’t actually need to be related to theirs, but be sure to explain that while it may not seem to be, it most certainly is. Feel free to jump around to three or four different topics, seemingly finding your way among a large collection of theories and studies, and even returning to topics previously mentioned as if they’re all related even if they aren’t, before restating their initial contention. 

                  In layman’s terms, this is sometimes called circular logic, but to us it will always be known as the Wiley Post. Wiley Post was the first aviator to fly around the world. It took him 7 days, 18 hours and 49 minutes, and he did the whole thing wearing an eye patch. 

                  There’s nothing logical about flying around the world by yourself with one eye, and there’s nothing logical about talking in circles. In fact it’s entirely illogical, but when you’re talking in circles, you will begin to repeat subjects, which in and of itself, breeds familiarity. The listener will begin to think they are following your logic, since it feels like they’ve been here before. This is sometimes known as giving them the Winnie-The-Pooh, or just Shooting the Pooh.

                  There is a good deal of evidence to suggest that this type of nonsensical, circular logic has been particularly effective with regards to complex, but ultimately vapid, conspiracy theories such as the Flat Earth Society, the JFK Assassination and most recently, QAnon. 

                  It should be noted that there is always a danger that they will come along with you on this trek round the bend, because that’s how they tend to think naturally, so be prepared to reverse course, or even to jump the tracks of your own train of thought, if you feel they are getting too close to agreeing with you. 

                  It’s important to note that don’t ever actually want them to agree with you, but worth noting that it can be helpful if they come close. 

                  The Kobayashi Method

                  Details always make for a more a convincing, authentic narrative, so whatever you’re talking about, be sure to sprinkle in a few random pieces of information that are entirely irrelevant to whatever you’re talking about. Use the Kobayashi Method of picking up items in your line of sight to add convincing details. This technique was first developed by Kaiser Soze in Prague in the 1970’s but has been successfully used by cult leaders, prophets, televangelists, street hustlers, magicians and master criminals ever since. 

                  The basic premise is use your surroundings to add a bevy of believable details to your spontaneous, improvisational narrative. If you’re looking at sofa pillows with fringe on them, you might begin to go down an intellectual dissertation on the nature of comfort and then immediately reverse yourself, explaining that this is indeed a fringe theory and not worth getting too deep into a such a short conversation. Or maybe you’ve just ordered Buffalo wings at a local watering hole, in which case you might bring up the Buffalo Project, as they’ve surely heard of the top secret experimental lab run by the legendary Joseph Franks and his longtime collaborator Sir Rachi. No? Don’t worry about it. It’s not important in this context anyway, but maybe you could devote some serious energy to it some other time. 

                  Feel free to jump around without ever finishing a sentence, let alone a thought, as this will all be relevant to your purpose, since you are not trying to make any point, let alone win an argument. 

                  The Schrute Gambit

                  They have computers now that are so advanced that they can take an infinite amount of bullshit and spin a tale that is so logical, that you will believe your own bullshit when it’s complete. They call it artificial intelligence. This isn’t the the thing that allows Amazon to correctly guess that you fancy women’s underpants and tin whistles. This is something else entirely. 

                  The technique here is to create your own conspiracy theories to be used to prop up your nonlinear arguments. They don’t need to make sense to be believable, they just need to be committed to so that they appear to be grounded in fact. The basic idea here is to out crazy the crazy. This is sometimes called the Schrute Gambit, a technique developed by a legendary beet farmer in central Pennsylvania. 

                  If you’ve ever seen the movie Jerry McGuire, there is a scene where the four year old Ray grills Jerry on his knowledge of trivia explaining such tidbits as the fact that both dogs and bees can smell fear as well as the truth that the average human head weighs about eight pounds. These don’t have to be true, but it helps. If they’ve got a theory about contrails, you’ve got a theory about why no one has ever seen a baby pigeon.

                  It also helps if you’ve developed a handful of these in advance, but if you’re quick on your feet anything can suffice. I mean no really believes the Elf on the Shelf is merely a harmless holiday toy and not a NSA surveillance program do they? Elf…Shelf. Electronic Surveillance? And they convinced us to move it around the house every night? Now they’ve got us doing their jobs for them. It’s like they didn’t even try. Don’t even get you started on Legos.

                  While they’re thinking about what could possibly be wrong with Legos, ask them why every other developed country on planet has free healthcare but America, why they got rid of the two dollar bill and who really profited from killing off Aunt Jemima.

                  The Apple of God’s Eyre 

                  As legend has it, the Itinerant preacher and amateur biologist John Chapman, better known as Johnny Appleseed, walked the highways and byways of America, preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ and planting orchards wherever he went. It has been argued that he was responsible for the propagation of apples in America as a byproduct of his effort to save its collective soul. Sprinkled throughout his history is no doubt a bit of both, and he was fondly remembered as a kind soul and a gentle spirit. 

                  You may not be able to save the poor schmuck you are in a battle of wits with from his own stupidity, but with a little effort you may plant a seed of inspiration and doubt that could end up as our collective salvation. You can’t undo a life of Fox News in one sitting, but you can begin to sow doubt with a few pertinent facts and a layer of bullshit.

                  You would do well to learn a few dozen Bible versus, if not verbatim, at least learn the syntax so that you are able to make it sound like scripture, even if it’s not. Nothing gives your argument weight like grounding it in the ecclesiastical.

                  Chauncey’s Garden

                  The final piece of the puzzle is perhaps the most important, as it combines a bit of everything else, but aspires to bring it from the heavens above right back down to earth to lay it at the feet of your moronic friend. They say that stupid is as stupid does and if there is anything that Donald Trump has taught us it’s that simple words strung into a sentence your average idiot can understand can be a powerfully persuasive tool. 

                  Chauncey Gardiner was a simple man who rose from a lowly gardener to the highest echelons of power in America and he did it by simplifying the complex into platitudes so benign that they could mean almost anything. This has been the genius of the internet cult figure known as Q.

                  The theory here is that by using basic metaphors concerning life, structured in a theological framework combined with a bit of poetry, you allow the listener to divine their own interpretation, thereby relieving you of having to explain yourself.

                  The simpler your message the more likely it will be accepted as truth. End on a positive note. 

                  The English Exit

                  You’ve likely heard of the Irish exit, whereby one simply slips out the back door without bidding anyone adieu. The English exit is one where you excuse yourself with gilded formality but offer them no explanation whatsoever. A traditional example would be to stop speaking abruptly, sigh deeply, smile thoughtfully and then say with slowly but with conviction and gravitas, “But as you can see, I am but a lowly servant of the king who is merely reminded of his duty to a higher power. If you’ll excuse me, there is something I must do.”

                  Then you walk away.


                  Follow David Todd McCarty on Twitter @davidtmccarty and The Standard @capemaystandard

                  EDITOR’S NOTE: In our next installment we will be discussing how to incorporate these techniques into the more troubled world of social media.

                  Related

                  Tags: AruguingCape MayChauncey GardinerConspiracy TheoryIdiotsJerry McGuireJohnny AppleseedKobayashiNew JerseySchruteTheory
                  Previous Post

                  Non-Violence Isn’t A Just Moral Imperative, It’s A Superior Strategy

                  Next Post

                  Why We Can’t Be Friends

                  Next Post
                  Why We Can’t Be Friends

                  Why We Can’t Be Friends

                  Meta

                  • Register
                  • Log in
                  • Entries feed
                  • Comments feed
                  • WordPress.org
                  • Trending
                  • Comments
                  • Latest
                  You Are Not Welcome Here

                  You Are Not Welcome Here

                  August 14, 2020
                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  Social Distancing Fails At Ocean City High School

                  September 9, 2020
                  Trump, Chauncey Gardiner, And America’s Accidental Presidency

                  Trump, Chauncey Gardiner, And America’s Accidental Presidency

                  January 29, 2020
                  It Is Time For Patrician Democracy To End

                  It Is Time For Patrician Democracy To End

                  2
                  Why Do We Resist?

                  Why Do We Resist?

                  2
                  Republicans Have A Casual Relationship With The Truth And No Moral Compass

                  Republicans Have A Casual Relationship With The Truth And No Moral Compass

                  1
                  The Return of the Regulators

                  The Return of the Regulators

                  February 3, 2021
                  The Power Of The People

                  The Power Of The People

                  January 29, 2021
                  Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

                  Your Misplaced Loyalty Is Hurting Your Business

                  January 26, 2021

                  ©2019 Hopping Frog Studios, LLC.

                  No Result
                  View All Result
                  • Home
                  • Politics
                  • Justice
                  • Environment
                  • Health
                  • Education
                  • Housing
                  • Business
                  • Culture
                  • Sports
                  • National
                  • Opinion
                  • Login
                  • Sign Up

                  ©2019 Hopping Frog Studios, LLC.

                  Welcome Back!

                  Login to your account below

                  Forgotten Password? Sign Up

                  Create New Account!

                  Fill the forms below to register

                  All fields are required. Log In

                  Retrieve your password

                  Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

                  Log In
                  This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
                  Privacy & Cookies Policy

                  Privacy Overview

                  This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
                  Necessary
                  Always Enabled

                  Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

                  Non-necessary

                  Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

                  SAVE & ACCEPT